Last week was the peak of the holiday season here in London and I met a gorgeous lady whom I regarded as a stranger before. We just met out of nowhere and we talked a lot on a day. But that particular day is quite special that I would like to always remember. She invited me over a coffee and then started to talk seriously about her problem, which I could not consider simple. We ended up talking about toxic parent and I let her talk while I just kept listening to her.
“I am desperately tired of finding someone who is able to just listen and not judging,” she opened up the conversation. And I humbly asked what her problem is.
She started to complain about her negative things that came continuously to her, making her to feel out of breath. She complained about her research study and her desperation for always having a negative result while not having enough support or finding someone to really help her.
“In particular,” she said, “I am also exhausted about my family.” She then said about how toxic her parents is since she never really feels that her parents really support her. “It is only about lip service. My mother always says she prays for me while I never think she really does from what she always does to me. Everytime I complained about my life, seeking for a comfort from a family, while I always get back from her is always something negative in return. Until a point yesterday where she just gave me a negative news happened to my family a month ago which she could have been said it to me on that day rather than waiting for me saying to her that I am burnt out with my stuffs. It just supports my assumption that my parents are really toxic, they just never support what I love to do since I was a teenager although they knew there was nothing wrong with it. I even regard them to be over protective. And now while I am pursuing my degree and nothing wrong with it, it still seems to be the same way”
I started to understand her situation. It does seem that she is really tired with her stuffs and she could not rely on her family. She feels the family only brings her confusion. Family is supposed to be the first point where she finds love and comfort. She probably feels it to some extent but when it turns out to be doing what she loves, the family starts to be a real obstacle, and her parents in particular. She said that she expects her family to support her but it always turns the other way around.
We then started to do a bit of research about the feeling of this hatred feeling against parent and we ended up talking about toxic parents. In short, toxic parents are parents who can only think about themselves and expect their kids to not upset them. I think the situation resembles quite well with my friend’s situation. Her parents always expect her to make them happy while not the other way around. She told me that everytime she thought that she made her parents upset, it would end up in a passive aggression way. It usually ended up where she did not talk for days with her parents until a point where everything blew up and went out of control and she even sometimes run out of her home just to run away from it. This passive aggression is also one indication of a toxic parent since a good parenting should involve active communication. Also, one day she told me that she had a boyfriend and although there was nothing wrong with her boyfriend, her mother just asked her to break up with him just because she did not like him. She feels that her parents, in particular her mother, are just so toxic and really want to get an absolute control of her.
I then said to her that I could understand her situation but I could not help much since I do not have any right to talk to her parents. I just said to her, “Sometimes I think that we are here right now because our parents decided at the beginning to get married and to have kids. And then it is their duty to make us happy and not the other way around. Because, we never really ask before that we should be born from them or in this way right?” She just kept silent and smiled, “But you cannot change that fate once you are born.” And I replied, “So just let’s change what we can change.”
And after we finished the coffee, I just took her to Oxford Street, lending her my camera so she could enjoy the lights and took some beautiful picture and also lending my music player while it was playing Coldplays’s Christmas Light.
Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Down where the sea and city meet
May all your troubles soon be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on
And now the festive season has ended and I do hope she feels better now…